I fear a time of change is upon me.

Change is inevitable and should be embraced, especially when it is self motivated, but sometimes, it is just a little sad and the reality is, some choices have no perfect answer. I have never left a job that was such a positive and perfect fit for me, but circumstances forced adaption.

I have had an odd last three years compared to most. While most of us are remembering or even healing from COVID, my recent history is actually filled with some of the fondest memories I have ever had in my working life, memories that will stay with me for a long time, but they will leave a feelng of loss and take some time to scar over.

Working for the school in the semi-limbo of full acceptance by the staff and students, but never on anything more professionally, than a casual contract or “good faith” basis left me in a lop-sided relationship.

On one hand the school had an on-call, fully equipped, fully committed*, widely experienced and multi skilled still and video content creator who was happy to spend a sizeable chunk of his meagre earnings on the gear needed to do the job (only possible with my loyal wife’s support).

From my end, I was earning basically the same as I would if I stayed at home and did nothing, contributed nothing to my superannuation, covered (or not) all of my own expenses and played dismissively with fate, knowing that if I had to take any time off, like five years ago when I got the flu (pre-COVID) with pneumnia complications and spent 2 weeks in hospital, then three months recovering, I again only had my wife Meg to fall back on for support. No sick leave, no compensation.

When the paper offered me full time, it is no exaggeration to say, I was instantly 600-800% better off in wages, equipment, expenses and retirment savings. I do not even need all of these benefits, especially the gear, preferring to stick with my own and my work flow, which is already paid for, but I am still 3-4 times better off.

That does however do little to reduce the feeling of hollowness I feel leaving an institution I am so attached to. In many ways I feel like the child sent to the city to work in a soulless job, leaving the family farm I am spiritually connected to.

I wish I did not have to make any choice, but after several counter offers made by me to the school, even offerring to take a 50% cut from the paper’s offer, becasue I am really just needing something concrete for security, not a fotrune, they still had no wiggle room (the school is a not for profit organisation and my desired role just does not fit into their structure).

My offer to stay in contact as much as possible looks to be a poor judgement call also.

I coverred a few engagements as I promised I would for the end of year and still have a couple to do, but the reality is, it was hard for me. Regular conversations with recently found friends quickly turned to ponderings on “what could have been”, or more precisely what should have been as many kindly reinforce what I feel, that the school and I were a good fit and the role had room for expansion.

Being connected in any way just seems to be too hard.

The toughest days recently were in the junior campus where “photo-man” has become an excited catch cry for the younger students, something I hoped to build on in the years to come and a relationship that a new, frop in shooter will find hard to develope.

I and others feel this long earned connection is too precious to loose, but it looks like that is exactly what is going to happen and more the distance I give myself, the better it may be for me. All in or all out. Anything else is an emotional trap.

Problem for me is I live literally over the road from the school, so blinkers on.

*Not coming from a working photography background, but one of retailing and teaching, meant I had a very small client base to build from. The reality is, the bulk of my contacts are photographers, not people in need of one and trying to build up a client base when you are committed to one client for the bulk of the year is problematic. More problematic though is three months without an income.