Ever been in a place in your life you don’t recognise as a desired destination and don’t know how you got there or how to escape?

After a nice two week holiday, spent mostly at home with nothing asked of me, I thought I might be able to get my head back on straight.

Obsessing about sound gear was probably the first hint that something was up, but that first sign was ignored. I did not touch a camera.

If I look at myself squarely in the mirror, I cannot say when I last enjoyed photography.

I know roughly when it was, probably a time involving the school, a connection to place and people, but a series of things went wrong when I started at the paper. It started with juggling the end of year commitments at the school and the needs of the paper. It was hard, very hard. I did not miss one event for either, but still do not know how and it felt like I failed both.

It was a time of contrasts, a time of conflict. A bad way to finish something good.

On the one hand I was comfortable, enjoying the work, confident I was going to deliver exactly what was wanted (although I was always mystified why my images had the effect they did). On the other hand each job was a mountain to climb, a mystery I still do not understand, or to be honest want to.

Part of the problem and the bit that is getting unbearable, is captioning. The paper wants names, always names. No image is useful to them without one. The freedom to take a useable image is severely limited by the need to get a name. I cannot count the number of decent images I have taken, images that came naturally, ones that even I liked, that were ultimately a pointless exercise, because I could not get a name.

I have stopped taking them. I think I have stopped even wanting to.

Second sign.

Balanced with the freedom of shooting for the school did help, but it also contrasted drastically with the reality that my future was the paper, only the paper. In a desperate attempt to hold onto both, I requested a drop back to part time, leaving me three days a week for the school (who were still in the picture, in a shared capacity because of course three days was not enough for their needs).

Unfortunately it took three and a half months to get sorted (long, frustrating story).

I broke ties with the school and every contact I had there about February. Things were clearly not happening at my end and it was unfair of me to keep then hanging.

Trying to give it away worked for a while.

It seemed ideal. I can use all my skills and gear, be useful, generate contacts, push myself and most importantly, I had the freedom to just shoot without fear of wasting the effort.

The Migrant Resource Centre, New Horizons, Self Help, all used me on a volunteer basis, their images definitely more fulfilling to take, but not a future employment path and most just ended up being head shots for yearly reports. It seems lately, that even though I am available for more than half the week, they always seem to want me on a work day.

The one job I was really looking forward to, kids at the zoo, I missed after getting my days mixed on my over busy split calendar.

Third sign.

I am eating too much, sleeping badly, wasting far too much time in front of my computer with little interest in other hobbies and getting depressed by the state of the world. Seems I want to spend my way out of this funk. Never a good plan.

All the other signs.

The answer is not in things, but people. At least the things I am buying are for other people to enjoy the results of (I hope), but they are only useful if they empower good things.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep swimming.

Self determination is exactly that.

That freedom is something I do have that many do not. I have a job I don’t like much, but I have a job. Things for Meg and I are good as anyone should expect, but could turn with one wrong move. Both of us face our challenges, Meg stoically as is her way, me in a more needy, swingy fashion, but I don’t give up.

The “determination” in self determination is more important than “self”.

I have recently picked up a casual contract with a new, bigger school, so who knows, I may be able to carve out some kind of future path.

Thanks for letting me work through that.