I currently have potentially three jobs to choose from, but none of them are complete or very compatible with each other. On top of that are all the volunteer groups I am involved with, which are becoming increasingly important to me, but need some compatibility with paid employment.

One school has made an offer that is slightly better than the previous one. More money budgeted for photography post COVID), but no security. This is a tough one because I reluctantly left them, missed a second chance to reconnect when the paper stuffed me around and now have to probably cut ties for good.

The other school is having an imminent staff change which may mean more or less work and security for me and the paper is the reluctant constant, seemingly with a place for me, even if on my end a relatively undesired one.

I have lots of potential capabilities yet to be unleashed, plans to increase these and a desire to empower which ever organisation I am involved with, but realise that no single one will give me the room to use all of these, not even half of them as it goes and I do not seem to be able to come up with a combination that works.

I often think if a choice is impossible to make, don’t make one, just change tack. As someone said recently, if nothing is going right, turn left.

I doubt I can be bothered with photography or video as a hobby any more, so getting out of this industry will likely mean killing off my one over-riding passion of the last three decades, but sometimes hanging on is worse than letting go.

Is it worth it?

Was the last five years just a distraction or my true calling finally faced up to?

I came to it late, so I have no history to fall back on. My skill set previously was in retailing, but that fails to inspire.

Should I just give it up and re-train, maybe go into something that gives me a fresh start, a fresh perspective and cut loose what was mostly pipe dream driven (sound, video) and just stick to what is working?

I have found often that the day after I make sweeping decisions, I usually cut off options for when things inevitably change, but I am in the situation now, at 2 in the morning, of facing a yes/no answer to one of the above tomorrow, without knowing where the others sit and just realised it may actually be a relief to cull the herd.

Most importantly, I need to think of my long suffering wife.

She has done the lions share of the earning over the years and always steps up. I am also not as they say, getting any younger.

Happiness or responsibility?

Can either survive without the other?